Lost and found.

I am going through a rough patch again in my life.

My country suffers under an economic dictatorship, my relationship is currently is stasis, yet slowly resuscitating, but still risking unplugging, my future is uncertain, and my present is confusing and changing.

In all those domains, there is an either an evolution or a revolution happening and I am far away, participating only through thought, and distant action.

I try to have good moments I enjoy, to change the things that bother me, to work on who I am and who I want to be. At moments, I feel a bit lost. It is hard to enjoy your present when you fear further down there is an obstacle. Even if you know you are doing things to overcome it, when an evolution/revolution does not depend solely on you, and you have no information other than glimpses given to you by third parties, it can be hard.

Some would say I am free. I am young and can choose from many available options. Yet I do not feel like that. I had many a choices, even before. And now I still want the same things, I still want to move in that direction, but I hit a storm, and the boat is rocking.

I had written some posts I never put up during this period, that indicate how this strange storm was affecting me on the sentimental level. Even thought they do not remain accurate to my current mood, I have uploaded them. I intend to write another one about my views on the current situation in Greece.

However, in the title I mention that I also found something:

I did. The morale I kept loosing, and still loose from time to time. I try and manage to keep it longer and longer. It still can get affected by exterior events such as those mentioned, BUT, I still smile, still enjoy things, and I am sure that even in the worst situations, a small oasis of happiness exists, and I can find it. Sure some things might not work out, and sure I do not control everything in life, yet I can still stir my boat, and I WILL find happiness.

Lost

I am Lost. Really lost.

What is to know oneself? How much of oneself is independent of the others that surround you, of the times you live in?

What is my worth in this world? Do I make it better? Do I help the people that need me?

Am I nothing more than a consumer, always asking how does this make ME feel, how does it affect ME?

Do I know anyone else? How can I? I am no longer sure of what I want to do! Do I enjoy my daily routine? Do I enjoy my work?

I have been trying to fill my time with enjoyable moments. But I feel so alone. How can I enjoy when I do not feel connected?

Did I create this feeling of loneliness? Why should my happiness depend on others? Can I not be autonomous?

What will I do after the Phd? Do I really need to finish it? Do I want to be with HER? Will I not keep having doubts so long as she keeps having doubts?

I want to be certain, like I was before. yet I know my certainty was based on an illusion. The world the situations changed and I stayed lost, forgotten.

I dislike the days I am living. I am lost, and unable to truly set for any direction. And this is eating me inside.

Unrequited love.

I have a love, that stays unrequited.
I have a love, that wants to bind, to enclose, to protect.
I have a love, that wishes to set and be set free.

But alone it roams the paths of my mind.

I have an unrequited love that withers and fades and dies,
but before dying it rakes its claws on my insides.

Yet since this love's remains stay inside, I can and I always do resurrect it,
as long as the memories reside, and try to correct it.

But love is like a bridge, and it needs two sides,
both sides solid, carrying care over our life's river tides.

Yet here it is:
My unhinged and uprooted bridge, firm on my side, wallowing, waving free on the other, flaying madly, killing me inside.
I know where it wants to land, but the land just flees.

I strain to hold it in the air, not to crumble not to break.
I strain my back to hold it up, to give time for a return.

But the land on the other side of the bridge stays unstable and distant.

I await and call to it, come closer.

But at some point I know I will have to land my bridge.

Either it will connect the two lost sides, or break and be submerged, its stones lost to the river, its architecture never more.

And though I long for the connection, I prepare myself for the plunge.

For, for too long I have hoped for the connection and I fear I can wait not much longer any more.


____________________________

This post and the next one were writen quite some time before I upload them... Things have changed since then. But the represented what I felt.

Φρίκες

Τρώω φρίκες. Συνήθως δε τις μαγειρεύω, τις τρώω ωμές. Αλλά αυτήν μου την φρίκη την έχω μαγειρέψει. Αυτό δε σημαίνει ότι χωνεύεται πιο εύκολα βεβαίως βεβαίως. Βεβαίως. Αν και όχι τόσο σίγουρα επειδή σήμερα δεν είναι Σάββατο. Και Σάββατο να ήταν, δε θα ήταν Κυριακή.

Στον Βόρειο πόλο. Ή και στον Νότιο τώρα που το αναλογίζομαι. Στον Βόρειο πόλο, μπορεί κανείς να περπατάει κυκλικά γύρω από το σημείο όπου όλες οι ώρες συγκλίνουν, μα αυτό δεν θα του επιτρέψει να περάσει από τη μια μέρα στην άλλη, δε θα του επιτρέψει παρά να περάσει από μια ώρα στην άλλη. Και να αρπάζει κανένα κρύωμα γιατί εκεί κάνει κρύο. Από το μεσημέρι στο βράδυ και από εκεί στο απόγευμα πριν πάμε στο πρωί. Η μέρα όμως μένει μέρα. Και το συνάχι συνάχι.

Νιώθω σαν πρεζάκι, με φυσικό ναρκωτικό όμως που παράγει ο εαυτός μου. Θέλω να σηκωθώ να φύγω, να πάω να το παράξω για εμένα και για εσένα, και για όλο τον κόσμο. Ο κόσμος είναι άδικος. Πόσες φορές θα βρεις τέτοιους ανθρώπους; Γιατί να σβήσεις από την ζωή σου κάτι το οποίο ακόμα κυλάει; Γιατί να φοβάσαι ότι δε θα κυλήσει άλλο παρακάτω; Δεν βλέπεις παρακάτω και φοβάσαι αυτό που δε βλέπεις. Αλλά αυτό που βλέπεις και νιώθεις και θες, γιατί να του δώσεις έναν κλότσο, και ας είναι μακριά σου; Θέλεις να πας κοντά του, όχι να το διώξεις κι άλλο επειδή η απουσία του σε τυραννάει.

Και σε πιάνει η ανυπομονησία. Θέλεις ένα μέλλον, και το θέλεις τώρα. Και τους πιάνει όλους αυτό. Τι θα γίνει αν κοιτάς μόνο το αβέβαιο μέλλον; Θα είσαι καλύτερα εξοπλισμένος για αυτό; Ξεχνάς το τώρα.

Οπότε, γράφε. Δούλευε, χτίσε. Και θα έρθει και η σχόλη.

This post and the previous one were writen quite some time before I upload them...

200.

Διακόσια ποστ.

Δε θα αναλύσω πράγματα δικά μου σε αυτό το ποστ. Σας προτείνω τα νέα λινκ που έχω βάλει αριστερά. Διαδώστε τη γνώση και επίγνωση της κατάστασης. Πληροφορηθείτε.

Μου αρέσει που όλα αυτά τα είχα σκεφτεί. Δε μου αρέσει που δεν δρούσα. Δύο σειρές από βιντεάκια που έχουν ενδιαφέρον:


http://www.moneyasdebt.net/ που αναλύει τι είναι τα λεφτά αλήθεια,

και

A history of oil, που εξηγεί την ενεργειακή εξάρτηση μας.

Decisions

Well in life you have to take them. Decisions. They are not always easy.

The first thing you need to learn is that you always have a choice. You might be afraid of the consequences, but you always have a choice.

You should start by ordering things in your head, by their importance.

What IS the most important thing? What really constitutes the purpose of your life?

To feel good about myself, to be happy. Yet, priority should go to long time well-being, rather than short time well being.

There needs to be a clear goal. Then you must build a plan to reach that goal.

Therefore any situations that do not promote this goal in the long run, even if they provide a short "good feeling" boost, are to be avoided. That is not to say do not pursue issues where you do not yet know whether you will be happy or not. Just make sure you keep an open mind about it, and do not take your eyes from your goal.

If in the short term you are not happy, and are in a situation where you are at an impasse, but you repeat the action just for the sake of its familiarity and the short bursts of happiness you get, you should stop and reconsider it. Do you see yourself doing that again and again? What are the long term effects? Is it still going where you are supposed to go?

Examples vary.

Global "economics", a term whose original meaning has been lost, that value a short-term world-view, create a repeated raping of the planet and its inhabitants for the sake of money instead of social happiness, equilibrium and sustainability.

Or the case of my recent break up, where my constant nagging, the constant pressure and the fact that I gave a feeling of dependency (although to be fare I was dependent) and of a non enjoyment in order to get her attention, instead of nurturing, being independent yet close sentimental and appreciate everything I had.

In both cases you might become fatalist. That has been my general tendency all my life. That of a fatalistic approach, we cannot influence the world blah blah blah.

It is never too late. All you need is introspection, a clear goal, adaptability and determination. What is the worst you can get? Be sad? Fail? Continuing that situation would be even worse. At least you will have tried, and be ok with yourself. You will not have stayed on the fence, wasting your time regretting inaction through fear. That is not happiness, not short term, neither long term.

That said, it is easy to refall in habbit. Inaction is easier. So steel yourselves.

Are you still with me?

Good.

You ask how do you change? Usually change needs a shock. A kick-starter. A realisation. Many will go the fatalist ways again and say hey that, was final. It is over. I realised it but I cannot change. Well that is no realisation. You need to realise that things were NOT going well. There is a huge difference between understanding on a principle that something is harmful, and knowing, feeling it completely and accepting it.

As long as you do not realise that, you can do nothing. Realisation might take time. It cannot be forced. But once you push open the door of realisation, you need to keep pushing, not shying away. I shied away yesterday. That was the last time.

Then you set your goals straight.

We look at those things from my current perspective.

What do I want out of my life? I want to be happy. I also want to improve the world around me. I also want to be with Danae.

Ok how do I do that?

First: re-evaluate myself. I am smart, beautiful, funny, stressed, loving, trusting, not very self-confident, egocentric, have some really great friends, an infinite amount of interests and an opportunity to improve myself.

From this list I find three things I want to eliminate. Stressed, egocentric, and not very-self confident. I also

How to do that?

Stress: Face your anxiety. Canalize it into creative things.
Ego-centric: Start helping out the less fortunate, through action. Will be joining an association sometime this week.
Self-confidence: Again, help other people, not only understand, but realise that I am well off, come to terms with it (do not have guilt because you are well and others are not).

These tie in with making the world a better place. Creativity, and helping out, as well as taking action in field of political interest I believe in but was to apathetic to do anything about. (By the way check out the links above and to the left).

Ok then what about being with Danae?

What was the problem? Distance was not the problem. Distance exacerbates the problem, it does not create it. I had solutions to the distance. To quote from the previous lines:

" The case of my recent break up, where my constant nagging, the constant pressure and the fact that I gave a feeling of dependency (although to be fare I was dependent) and of a non enjoyment in order to get her attention, instead of nurturing, being independent yet close sentimental and appreciate everything I had."

Ok. First we need to remove the things that were the problem. Nagging, pressure and dependency. These are being taken care.

Once these pathogens are removed, we need to let the system cool down. I need to be sure I have removed the pathogens that are part of my previous behaviour. She needs to forget and heal from the ordeal.

Taking time might seem as inaction, but it is not. What you are really doing is working to remove your problems. You still hang around in the background. Discretely. And work things out with yourself.

Then you will see if you can nurture things back. If you cannot, at least you tried, and cleaned yourself of your problems. You will be happy. And if you can? You will be happy.

It is a win-win situation.