I ain't a good guy; or some shitload of negativity.

That was the real revelation of 2011 for me. I flirted with violence, with nagging, almost with e-stalking. If you had asked me before this year, I would have said I am blameless. Well I would have admitted to some egoism, but after some introspection I am way more flawed than that. I am a petty man, (not to be confused with a pretty woman) avid of recognition, full of neediness and complexes. Even as I supposedly am unveiling my flaws publicly, I am satisfying my craving for attention, and getting a feeling of redemption out this almost empty act.

But redemption does not come easily. And I am not quite sure if I am seeking redemption any more. I know I have been seeking drama, since my youngest age, and to be even more specific melodrama. So I have a happy life here, but still manage to fuck up my mood in order to satisfy a strange cycle of repression and release of endorphins. And I drag people around me into it. And worst of all? I think I have found ways to subconsciously justify these acts. So yeah, I ain't the knight in shiny armour I have been conditioned to want to be by countless child stories, books, and movies. So what? I down beer and tequila and I care not.

My family is 3 persons wide. My friends can be counted on the fingers of two hands, my acquaintances in the hundreds. My country is in deep shite, and I am really thinking of abandoning it. So what? My thesis, which is actually in procrastination, is paid for by the French fraking military. Yeah. Ask me what I will be doing in a year's time, and I have no god-damn idea. And yes, still Atheist. Still not feeling satisfied by life. For all I know in two years I will be paid by petrolium banks to calculate the rate by which we can kill baby seals or other crappy hellish morale-less job. Not the life I thought I had been promised during my childhood. Plus, fun thing, we are alone in life. Well, my friend gin, I grin and envy your luck: you will not be alone for long, you will get to meet beer and tequila in my fucking disturbed stomach.

Fun fact. I lied. I am completely sober. And this fact was not really fun. As I said, melodrama queen. And I do not really feel bad about all these crapload of negativity I just posted out there. I am flawed, so what? I got redeeming qualities. I'm a very interesting guy to be. Knights were boring characters anyway.